Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Crash Into Me
I hit someone today. No, I didn’t bitch slap anyone, I worked at home so the opportunity didn’t present itself. No we aren’t here to discuss my bitch slapping or lack thereof, but my giving a rectal to an unsuspecting motorist in front of me on the road today. First of all, let me just say if you are going to do the motorized version of a UFIA, this was the woman to go after, she was so nice about it. Which made me feel even worse for ruining her day.
What did I do? I hit the back of her car, duh. Why? Sheer stupidity. Clearly it was my fault. Thank goodness no one was hurt.
We did wait 30 minutes for a police officer to come to the scene, because we did not have any injuries and the damage to the cars was minimal. Again, this was a pain for the person whose car I felt the need to play rectal thermometer with, because she was taking her grandson who had just gotten out of the hospital and needed to be taken to a doctor’s appointment. I was late picking up my kids from school. The school was great about it, they kept them for an hour while I dealt with the wreckage that is my life.
The officer was female and she was also very nice. I appear to be the only asshole in this entire post, so I have that going for me.
She called me over to the car at one point and said:
PO: You don’t weigh as much as your driver’s license says, how much do you weigh?
Me: Yeah, I've lost some weight. I weigh ..... (hell no I am not publishing that shit on my blog)
PO: Your tags are expired.
Me: But it is paid and registered
PO: Call your insurance agent and get your current renewal and valid dates for your policy.
PO: I am going to have to cite you for not controlling your speed.
Me: I know.
PO: I will take your word about the registration, it isn't coming up on my computer. (Who would have thought I would ever be grateful for cellular dead spots?)
So to summarize: she did not write my sorry ass up for not having current insurance cards, a wrong address on my Driver’s License, although my car is registered the tags never appeared in that blackhole everybody else refers to as a mailbox. Nor did she ask me if I was a crack whore, drunk or both (yay soccer mom getup and mini-van, we skated on those charges!) on my way to get my kids. She rocked. She apologized for having to cite me, I thanked her for being kind.
My final conclusions; always carry KY Jelly in the glove box, along with your current insurance cards and registration and thank you to 2 ladies that could have made a bad day so much worse.
P.S. To my insurance agent, pimpin more insurance coverage, while I am standing on the side of road talking to a police officer, not the best marketing strategy ever.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
A Good RibbingFor those of you who have read my tweets or followed my blog for awhile, you should be aware my brother is gay. He is very open about being gay and I am in no way anything less than supportive of him and his sexuality. He is, however, my brother and therefore fair game in the world of sibling ribbing. His boyfriend arrived in town this week and the night before his boyfriend flew into our lovely city, the following exchange took place at my parent’s house, in front of my beleaguered, Catholic, mother.
Bro: I bought this new razor, buy one get one free, it looks like a good one.
Me: What are you shaving?
Bro: (points to his beard)
Me: For starters, at least, manscaping is so considerate.
Bro: (Mouthing to me) SHUT UP!!!
A few minutes later he comes out and asks if the beard line under his chin is even.
Mom: Yes, it looks good!
Me: Why do you care? He is only going to see the top of your head.
Mom: What? What did she say?
Me and Bro (together): Nothing!
My brother, who has a very red face this point (irritation or embarrassment, you decide), begins mouthing things to me, that I think, translates to – shut up or I am going to hurt you in ways you have never even dreamed of before this moment!
I think that is what he said, I have never been all that great at lip reading. I totally got the finger gesture he threw out though! *tsk* How rude!!!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
I have recently become unemployed and Denice suggested I try writing to work through some things through our blog. It’s been a traumatic month, to say the least. Thank the Good Lord for modern medication and good friends or I don’t think I would have made it. It’s amazing how much of your identity is tied to your work. Needless to say, I’m having a bit of an identity crisis. So I would like to share some of my feelings …. about daytime TV. Daytime TV sucks. Holy crap on a cracker!!! Here are some of the shows I love to hate:
Criss Angel: Mindfreak
All his tricks have so much drama involved. He always has these “consultants” (his brother, his uncle, etc.) giving commentary on his tricks. “Oh my gosh, he might die!!” “This is so dangerous, I advised him not to do it, but he’s crazy, he’s a mindfreak.” “One wrong move and it could kill him.” On one episode where he was being buried alive, his girlfriend and his mom were on saying “I wish he wouldn’t go through with this” “Let’s pray for him!!” Do viewers actually believe in this?!!! Come on people, it’s called an illusion, for a reason…. it’s FAKE. We can do without the drama.
I’m not really into these ghost hunting shows – mainly because I usually end up freaking myself out when I am home alone at night. I love to hate this one just for the hostess. There is a medium/psychic, two investigators and this woman host. They follow the medium around while he talks about the ghosts he senses. But here’s my favorite part…. every time they hear a noise or something moves, the hostess shrieks. Shrieks, screams, trembles and runs!!! Really. You’ve got to be kidding me. Lady, you are with a bunch of people on a ghost hunt in the middle of the night. You are probably going to run into some unexplained things. Duh.
And I’m in infomercial hell. They have 3 channels on DirectTV that sell jewelry 24 hours a day. 3 channels. 24 hours a day. I’m sick of Marie Osmond and Nutrisystem, Billy Mays and the Awesome Auger and 5 different companies selling insurance for car repairs. There's the Shark vacuum, the BowFlex, the BumpIts, and the Magic Chopper. Wow. So much crap for lonely, credit card-toting, unemployed, chubby, flat-haired, lazy.... uh, I think I'll stop here.
It’s hard to be home alone in a quiet house, so I’ve had the TV on for company, mostly. You’d think I’d be able to get a ton of things done, but I’m still emotionally exhausted. I hope to get to the “productive” stage soon.
Friday, August 07, 2009
"Thank you for calling the wayward home for aging cougars, how may I help you?"
"What? Oh, yes, we do find a lot of them hanging around Scottsdale. Did you want to drop her off at the rescue?"
"Oh, yes, we have a plastic surgeon come in and consult with our cougars once a week. Sir, I assure you, we will take the best of care with your cougar. Why, we even have on site tanning beds and a full service day spa."
"What's that? Oh, my, well no, you can't do that here, but we do have weekly bus trips to Scottsdale where she would be able to get her groove on every Saturday night. We tag our cougars to make sure they come back home with us and don't get left behind."
"By the way, how old did you say you were? Really 24? Do you like a more mature woman? Because you have a sexy voice there tiger. Oh, no reason, just part of the admission questionnaire. Now where were we?"
"Excuse me? She has a what??!! What??!! Did you say her shirt says? No! I am afraid we can't take a BYU cougar in, we have had issues in the past with being able to pay for the groceries it takes to keep them at our location. My apologies, it just never seems to work out."
"Very well. Thank you for calling. Have a cougarlicious day!"
*Disclaimer - I am not a cougar. Nope, I like my men housetrained, thank you very much.
Saturday, August 01, 2009
The Official Ditsy Chick Girls' Weekend Shopping ListIt's on...our Girls' Weekend in Salt Lake City. Here is the itemized list of what we purchased last night at Wal-Mart:
- Brownie Mix
- 12 Pack Diet Coke
- 12 Pack Diet Coke
- 12 Pack Diet Coke
- Red Bull (duh!)
- Dove Milk Chocolate Squares
- Farr Vanilla ice cream
- Smuckers Carmel Syrup
- Skippy Peanut Butter
- Skippy Peanut Butter
- Skippy Peanut Butter
- Skippy Peanut Butter
- 1 Liter of Sprite
I dunno, we may have to go back to the store today, because we are running low on sugar and Diet Coke. The good news is, it does look like we are going to be okay on the peanut butter supply. We'll keep you posted.
Sunday, July 05, 2009
You Live, You Learn
It had been 17 years since I dated, until last year. Dating has changed in some very basic ways that you should be aware of, the first of which is that you cannot assume the person you date is only seeing you. By that same token, they should not assume that you are only seeing them. You both have to have an up-front discussion about dating other people at the same time or being exclusive (and in at least one of my relationships, hope like hell they are honest about whether or not they are dating other people/reconnecting with one of their previous girlfriends).
Here are the things I observed over the past year:
1) Be honest with the person (or persons) you are dating. This does not mean that you have to disclose everything that you have done in the last 30 odd years of your life. It is perfectly acceptable to state that you don’t feel like you are in a point in your relationship where you feel comfortable answering the question.
2) Men approach dating and relationships in a fundamentally different way and timeline than women. Men often jump into a relationship with both feet (and both heads), they get excited, they say things too soon and most likely, will scare the hell out of you with their exuberance. I have come to believe they can’t help it. So, keep that in mind when they are making statements that seem premature for where you are in a relationship. For most men, the thrill of the chase is the best part of the relationship. Women seem to take more time to assess the relationship and where they want to go, so about the time you get comfortable with things…he starts to lose interest, because you have been “caught” and the excitement begins to wane. If a long-term relationship is in the cards for the both of you, this can be worked through, but don’t be surprised when the guy suddenly loses interest and breaks it off at this point.
3) If you aren’t happy or getting what you want out of the relationship, especially early on, you need to assess if you really want to continue dating this person. Female intuition is still something that is often scarily accurate.
4) This one, I will say, I fell down on so badly, it’s pathetic, but I finally got it. When a guy starts backing off and not calling or texting as often (I am not saying that you won’t hear from them, but there is a definite cooling off from his side), doesn’t find reasons to see you as often (without a good reason, such as they had to do an emergency rescue in Antarctica and the are really out of cell phone range for a few days)….they are done with you. Trust me on this one, they have found someone else or turned their dating profile back on or thinking being alone wasn’t so bad…D-O-N-E! (Don’t believe me? Go see ‘He’s Just Not That into You’.)
5) More often than not, as people in this politically correct age, we only state out loud, what we like about someone and keep the rest to ourselves. Men really tend to do this, when dating. They will tell you only the things they like about you and your relationship. They will rarely state, at least early on in the dating process, if there is something they don’t like (again, this is where your intuition comes in handy). You have to look for non-verbal cues to supplement how things are going. And don’t ever hesitate to have a good conversation with your partner about what they think or how things are going.
6) Make sure they are over their ex. Getting over any long-term, deeply committed relationship is difficult for everyone. Make sure the person you are dating is ready to be in a relationship with someone else (in this case, you). So, for example, if they are telling their ex’s parents that they still love their daughter, while making plans to go out with you…I would call this a major red flag. Run, don’t walk to the nearest exit.
If things don’t work out when dating, here are a few things to keep in mind…
I fell down hard on this one too, but learn from me on this, make a clean break (especially if you have not been dating for a long period of time). Get rid of their phone numbers, emails, Facebook, MySpace, address, mementos….whatever you have of the relationship and if you can’t bring yourself to actually permanently get rid of the stuff, dump it in a box somewhere and put it in a place where you can’t easily get to it. Reliving and rehashing and keeping in contact with the person, is only going to draw out the break-up process and make things more painful.
Most of all be happy with yourself, know your worth, remember the good and always learn something about what you want and need from a relationship. There are things you can’t control and it isn’t always going to work out with every guy you date. Good luck.
In the words of Bill and Ted, “Be excellent to each other”.
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
So I met this guy....
You might be aware that I have 3 boys, if any of the pictures of them and stories on my blog have escaped your notice, I am telling you I have 3 boys.They are my whole world. I don't want to blog about what it is like having them gone for the summer, because I want to avoid the pity party that comes along with it. I am really not going to tell you much about the guy I am dating either. What I do want to talk about is dating with kids, after divorce.
It is usually really hard for me to have time to go out on a date, but since my boys are gone, that is not the case right now. Which means I have the rare opportunity to see someone fairly frequently, which has been nice.
Now for the complicated part, I have kids and an ex. He has kids and an ex and she is dating as well. So, when you get into a relationship you have all these dynamics to deal with and think about. When do you let him meet the kids? When should I meet his kids? How much interaction should I have with his kids? How am I going to like his ex? When should his kids meet my kids? Is he going to get along with my ex (given that my dweebish ex moved away, this isn’t a huge issue at the moment)? Are his kids going to like me? Am I going to like his kids (I do, they are good kids)? Are my kids going to like him? Is he going to like my kids (puhlease, who wouldn’t love my sweet little cherubs)?
The truth is, it is a relief for me to not have to worry about him meeting my kids for awhile. I made a huge mistake of introducing my boys to someone I dated (he had been my friend and had I planned on dating him at the time, I would not have let him meet them so soon). When I told my boys he wasn’t coming over anymore, they looked so sad and said, “But he is our friend too.” I am not EVER doing that to my kids again. If someone is meeting my boys, it will be someone who will be in my and their lives for the long haul.
The rest is going to just have to work itself out.