Sunday, July 05, 2009
You Live, You Learn
Well after 4 relationships that didn’t work out in the last year (I have a couple of months to go…so maybe I could hit 5 or 6 failed relationship by then and you didn’t think I had a relationship goal, did you?). I can safely say I have learned some things about dating and I made a list of what those things are…many of these I was aware of before my latest tour down relationship lane and they served me well. I thought I would share them. They are not a definitive study and I am (clearly) not a relationship expert, but I am sharing them none the less.
It had been 17 years since I dated, until last year. Dating has changed in some very basic ways that you should be aware of, the first of which is that you cannot assume the person you date is only seeing you. By that same token, they should not assume that you are only seeing them. You both have to have an up-front discussion about dating other people at the same time or being exclusive (and in at least one of my relationships, hope like hell they are honest about whether or not they are dating other people/reconnecting with one of their previous girlfriends).
Here are the things I observed over the past year:
1) Be honest with the person (or persons) you are dating. This does not mean that you have to disclose everything that you have done in the last 30 odd years of your life. It is perfectly acceptable to state that you don’t feel like you are in a point in your relationship where you feel comfortable answering the question.
It had been 17 years since I dated, until last year. Dating has changed in some very basic ways that you should be aware of, the first of which is that you cannot assume the person you date is only seeing you. By that same token, they should not assume that you are only seeing them. You both have to have an up-front discussion about dating other people at the same time or being exclusive (and in at least one of my relationships, hope like hell they are honest about whether or not they are dating other people/reconnecting with one of their previous girlfriends).
Here are the things I observed over the past year:
1) Be honest with the person (or persons) you are dating. This does not mean that you have to disclose everything that you have done in the last 30 odd years of your life. It is perfectly acceptable to state that you don’t feel like you are in a point in your relationship where you feel comfortable answering the question.
2) Men approach dating and relationships in a fundamentally different way and timeline than women. Men often jump into a relationship with both feet (and both heads), they get excited, they say things too soon and most likely, will scare the hell out of you with their exuberance. I have come to believe they can’t help it. So, keep that in mind when they are making statements that seem premature for where you are in a relationship. For most men, the thrill of the chase is the best part of the relationship. Women seem to take more time to assess the relationship and where they want to go, so about the time you get comfortable with things…he starts to lose interest, because you have been “caught” and the excitement begins to wane. If a long-term relationship is in the cards for the both of you, this can be worked through, but don’t be surprised when the guy suddenly loses interest and breaks it off at this point.
3) If you aren’t happy or getting what you want out of the relationship, especially early on, you need to assess if you really want to continue dating this person. Female intuition is still something that is often scarily accurate.
4) This one, I will say, I fell down on so badly, it’s pathetic, but I finally got it. When a guy starts backing off and not calling or texting as often (I am not saying that you won’t hear from them, but there is a definite cooling off from his side), doesn’t find reasons to see you as often (without a good reason, such as they had to do an emergency rescue in Antarctica and the are really out of cell phone range for a few days)….they are done with you. Trust me on this one, they have found someone else or turned their dating profile back on or thinking being alone wasn’t so bad…D-O-N-E! (Don’t believe me? Go see ‘He’s Just Not That into You’.)
5) More often than not, as people in this politically correct age, we only state out loud, what we like about someone and keep the rest to ourselves. Men really tend to do this, when dating. They will tell you only the things they like about you and your relationship. They will rarely state, at least early on in the dating process, if there is something they don’t like (again, this is where your intuition comes in handy). You have to look for non-verbal cues to supplement how things are going. And don’t ever hesitate to have a good conversation with your partner about what they think or how things are going.
6) Make sure they are over their ex. Getting over any long-term, deeply committed relationship is difficult for everyone. Make sure the person you are dating is ready to be in a relationship with someone else (in this case, you). So, for example, if they are telling their ex’s parents that they still love their daughter, while making plans to go out with you…I would call this a major red flag. Run, don’t walk to the nearest exit.
If things don’t work out when dating, here are a few things to keep in mind…
I fell down hard on this one too, but learn from me on this, make a clean break (especially if you have not been dating for a long period of time). Get rid of their phone numbers, emails, Facebook, MySpace, address, mementos….whatever you have of the relationship and if you can’t bring yourself to actually permanently get rid of the stuff, dump it in a box somewhere and put it in a place where you can’t easily get to it. Reliving and rehashing and keeping in contact with the person, is only going to draw out the break-up process and make things more painful.
Most of all be happy with yourself, know your worth, remember the good and always learn something about what you want and need from a relationship. There are things you can’t control and it isn’t always going to work out with every guy you date. Good luck.
In the words of Bill and Ted, “Be excellent to each other”.
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
It's Complicated
So I met this guy....
It is usually really hard for me to have time to go out on a date, but since my boys are gone, that is not the case right now. Which means I have the rare opportunity to see someone fairly frequently, which has been nice.
Now for the complicated part, I have kids and an ex. He has kids and an ex and she is dating as well. So, when you get into a relationship you have all these dynamics to deal with and think about. When do you let him meet the kids? When should I meet his kids? How much interaction should I have with his kids? How am I going to like his ex? When should his kids meet my kids? Is he going to get along with my ex (given that my dweebish ex moved away, this isn’t a huge issue at the moment)? Are his kids going to like me? Am I going to like his kids (I do, they are good kids)? Are my kids going to like him? Is he going to like my kids (puhlease, who wouldn’t love my sweet little cherubs)?
The truth is, it is a relief for me to not have to worry about him meeting my kids for awhile. I made a huge mistake of introducing my boys to someone I dated (he had been my friend and had I planned on dating him at the time, I would not have let him meet them so soon). When I told my boys he wasn’t coming over anymore, they looked so sad and said, “But he is our friend too.” I am not EVER doing that to my kids again. If someone is meeting my boys, it will be someone who will be in my and their lives for the long haul.
The rest is going to just have to work itself out.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Temper, Temper
Here is a picture at the scene of the accident. It wasn't a true t-bone hit, thank my luck stars. It was a low speed accident and no one was seriously injured. Things could have been much worse.
If you follow me on Twitter, you are well aware I was in an accident a week ago. I remained fairly calm right after the collision. I made sure the kids were okay and that my brother was alright, looked over and made sure it looked like everyone in the other vehicle was doing okay. I started to call the insurance company (it was on private property, so I knew the police wouldn't come for the accident). I took a few deep breaths and tried to stop shaking. I had even managed to roll down my window and speak to the guy that hit us.
All-in-all, I was doing well.
For about 5 minutes.
That is about the point where a lady came up behind my van and honked her freakin horn, so that I would move. Apparently, the other car I was attached to, completely escaped her notice. I was on the phone with the insurance at that point, so I rolled down my window and motioned for her to go around my car. This earned me a nasty look. As she passed by my car, she looked at me and clearly said, "bitch".
WTF?!!! OH, NO YOU DIDN'T!!!! Was my immediate response. How could she have missed the fact that there was an accident? Did she care? We were ruining her day because it took an extra couple of seconds to around my car? I would have gladly have traded her sorry ass places. Most of this passed through my mind in a split second.
I immediately honked on my horn (to make sure I had her undivided attention) and gave her the single finger salute (flipped the bird, used the universal gesture for 'fuck off you clueless skag', ahem you get it, moving on now), yelling, "Who are you calling bitch?" as she drove off. (Yeah, my kids heard and saw the whole thing, had this not been right after an accident, I would like to think I would have behaved myself, guess we'll never know for sure, will we?)
My brother looked at me from the passenger seat and said, "I'll get out and talk to him (the guy that had hit us)".
"Yeah, that might be a good idea."
Sunday, April 19, 2009
A Talk with My Oldest Son
On Thursday, I took the day off and went on a field trip with my 10 year old. The field trip lasted from 9 am to 8:00 pm and was at an outdoor center near Phoenix. It was a long day, but I have to be honest, I learned new things and I know my son did too. We ended the night singing under the stars with the teachers and all the fourth graders from my son's school (it was freezing, but reminded me of my camp days as a kid, in a good way).
A few times during the day I noticed my son was not paying attention to key instructions and after the second or third time this happened, I lectured him. The fourth, fifth and sixth time I caught him not listening and following instructions, I lectured him quite strongly about paying attention (when I probably should just be grateful it isn't just his mother he doesn't pay attention to on any given day).
I thought it over and talked to him today about the lectures I had given him.
"Do you remember the couple (cough, cough) of times I told you to pay better attention during the field trip? Bud, you have to pay attention to directions. "
"I am and I am going to pass all my classes."
"That isn't the point, it is important for getting on in life, but I am sorry I was so stern with you on Thursday, I had a wonderful day and should not have been as abrupt as I was with you."
"Hey, mom, where is our car?"
"Bud, BUD! Are you listening to what I am saying?"
"What?!!"
He then looked at me and started laughing.
"I couldn't help myself," he said. "C'mon, mom it was funny, you have to appreciate that."
I did laugh and then proceeded to shake him, playfully, by the shoulders.
A few times during the day I noticed my son was not paying attention to key instructions and after the second or third time this happened, I lectured him. The fourth, fifth and sixth time I caught him not listening and following instructions, I lectured him quite strongly about paying attention (when I probably should just be grateful it isn't just his mother he doesn't pay attention to on any given day).
I thought it over and talked to him today about the lectures I had given him.
"Do you remember the couple (cough, cough) of times I told you to pay better attention during the field trip? Bud, you have to pay attention to directions. "
"I am and I am going to pass all my classes."
"That isn't the point, it is important for getting on in life, but I am sorry I was so stern with you on Thursday, I had a wonderful day and should not have been as abrupt as I was with you."
"Hey, mom, where is our car?"
"Bud, BUD! Are you listening to what I am saying?"
"What?!!"
He then looked at me and started laughing.
"I couldn't help myself," he said. "C'mon, mom it was funny, you have to appreciate that."
I did laugh and then proceeded to shake him, playfully, by the shoulders.
I am now quite certain he gets what I was saying AND he has inherited the smartass gene. I am such a proud momma.
Monday, April 06, 2009
Loss
I have twittered a bit about losing weight. I wanted to talk a little more about the whole process. I had started a new blog with my BFF in June of last year, we were going to behave and lose weight together. We had done LA Weightloss together and had done well, but I fell off the wagon. Actually, I thought to myself last Christmas, “who cares what I look like, I am not going to meet anyone, so Fuck it.”
By June I was back into a size 16. I was so bad about eating anything and everything, thinking food was going to fix some inner craving that I just could not seem to satisfy. So, dieting was the plan, once again, but I found all the same hurdles everyone does for why diets fail, time, appetite and eating to deal with stress. I didn’t do a great job with the diet, but I did lose some weight.
In July, I divorced. I literally woke up one day and thought, “I am not a teenager anymore. Why am I eating like one?” I am so out of shape, my clothes don’t fit and what if something happens to me? Who would take care of my kids?” Suddenly, I realized all the food I was eating wasn’t making the craving I seem to have in my soul, go away and food no longer looked appetizing. At about this time, I had started a downward slide into depression, which I believe decreased my appetite as well. I don’t recommend depression as something to decrease your appetite, the side effects of depression are deadly and I dealt with that on its own. In the end I started eating less and better. I exercised and I lost weight.
There isn’t a magic pill that I have found. It took a whole lot of self-restraint, tracking what I ate and keeping to some sort of exercise routine. But here I am 9 months later, a size 6 and 65 pounds lighter. I met with a trainer in Saturday and in order to be considered in Excellent condition for my age, I still need to lose 6% of my body fat. I have to work with weights and build muscle. It is sad to think if I am only in the Fair category now, what was I 65 pounds ago?
My older body isn’t the same as my body I had in my 20’s, which is the last time I wore a 6. There are pieces of my body, where I just look and go WTF? This skin that hangs over bra under my arms, my tummy skin from my babies (I’ll deal with the extra skin, I had 3 healthy children, a more than fair trade, when you get right down to it) those pockets of squish on the outside and inside of my thighs and everything just generally sags, but it is better than it was, when I was heavier.
I get laughed at now, when I say I have more to lose, sometimes I get a lecture. I don’t know that I will ever be able to see myself as I really look now. I will probably always think I am bigger than I am and think of myself as fat. I am relying on my friends and family to be my mirror for me now.
I am just so very proud that I have started taking care of myself, something I so desperately neglected while I was married. Thanks to all of the people who helped me along the way, the encouragement, telling me I was gorgeous, all of it. I did this for myself, but I could not have done it without you.
Oh and for the record, I still hate pictures of me. Losing weight didn't fix this issue for me. I think this is one thing I will just have to learn to live with.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Gardening
I was at Lowe's the other day and saw freesia and calla lillies in the gardening department. They are two of my most favorite flowers, so I decided I needed to put them in a planter on my porch. I am not much of a gardener, but how bad could putting a planter together be?It actually was not all that difficult, once I got past step 2. Step 1, I poured the rocks, I bought for the bottom of the planter, into the planter. Step 2, is where I took the tab off the planter and it said, "drill a hole at the bottom of the planter before adding soil and plants." This may not seem like a difficult task and it might not of been, if I had a drill (lost it in the divorce, major battle with the ex over the power drill, lots of emotional scarring, I can't really talk about it...). So, I poured the rocks back out onto a nearby chair.
Since I don't have a drill, I improvised! I used a hammer and a screwdriver. Let's just say this didn't work. In fact, I am actually down one screwdriver after I shattered the handle off the screwdriver in my vain attempts to put a hole in the bottom of the planter.
So, there my planter, rocks and plants sat, on my porch for the better part of a week. Until my dad came over and drilled a hole in the planter for me. Here is what my finished planter looks like.
I don't know how long these plants will survive in the heat, but today, I am a gardener!
Sometimes digging in the dirt can be good for the soul.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Spirits In The Material World
My father has been transferring old VHS home videos to DVD over the past couple of weeks. He has the VCR plugged into an adaptor and runs them into the computer, so you can watch what is being recorded. I have seen pictures of myself and my brother from those oh, how I wish I could forget, years of teenage awkwardness and braces. My parents questionable fashion choices of the past.
Good GOD, they were the same age then, that I am now. I don’t look that old do I? Of course, not.
The other day I walked into my parents den and saw ghosts on the computer. There was my grandmother who had passed away the same year I graduated from high school and my aunt, who died of lung cancer some years ago.
Stunned doesn’t even begin to express what it was like to see and hear my grandmother again. I think for me one of the things I am never quite sure about is if I remember correctly what her voice sounded like. I was so glad to realize I had. My grandmother was quiet for most of the recording I saw, happily eating cheesecake. She was a diabetic who loved sweets and each time she ate something she shouldn’t she relished the treat, this was one of the times she was cheating on her diet and you could tell she was loving every second of it.
My aunt, was healthy and playing on the floor with one of my male cousins, her nephew. There she was in all of her snarky glory. I relished in being reminded of her mannerisms and her voice as well.
These were two women, that I spent a great deal of time with as a child, I miss them. However, I am a little embarrassed to say that I was slightly uncomfortable watching them. Wanting to run from the renewed freshness of their passing and while wanting to be able to ask them questions and hug them, but alas, it was just a recording of a moment from long ago.
One day, I will sit down and show some of the movies to my sons. Grateful for having these precious moments to show my children who their Irish great-grandmother was and their great-aunt. They will have more, actions and words. A pale second to meeting their great-grandmother and great-aunt, but special all the same.
The other day I walked into my parents den and saw ghosts on the computer. There was my grandmother who had passed away the same year I graduated from high school and my aunt, who died of lung cancer some years ago.
Stunned doesn’t even begin to express what it was like to see and hear my grandmother again. I think for me one of the things I am never quite sure about is if I remember correctly what her voice sounded like. I was so glad to realize I had. My grandmother was quiet for most of the recording I saw, happily eating cheesecake. She was a diabetic who loved sweets and each time she ate something she shouldn’t she relished the treat, this was one of the times she was cheating on her diet and you could tell she was loving every second of it.
My aunt, was healthy and playing on the floor with one of my male cousins, her nephew. There she was in all of her snarky glory. I relished in being reminded of her mannerisms and her voice as well.
These were two women, that I spent a great deal of time with as a child, I miss them. However, I am a little embarrassed to say that I was slightly uncomfortable watching them. Wanting to run from the renewed freshness of their passing and while wanting to be able to ask them questions and hug them, but alas, it was just a recording of a moment from long ago.
One day, I will sit down and show some of the movies to my sons. Grateful for having these precious moments to show my children who their Irish great-grandmother was and their great-aunt. They will have more, actions and words. A pale second to meeting their great-grandmother and great-aunt, but special all the same.