Monday, April 06, 2009
Loss
I have twittered a bit about losing weight. I wanted to talk a little more about the whole process. I had started a new blog with my BFF in June of last year, we were going to behave and lose weight together. We had done LA Weightloss together and had done well, but I fell off the wagon. Actually, I thought to myself last Christmas, “who cares what I look like, I am not going to meet anyone, so Fuck it.”
By June I was back into a size 16. I was so bad about eating anything and everything, thinking food was going to fix some inner craving that I just could not seem to satisfy. So, dieting was the plan, once again, but I found all the same hurdles everyone does for why diets fail, time, appetite and eating to deal with stress. I didn’t do a great job with the diet, but I did lose some weight.
In July, I divorced. I literally woke up one day and thought, “I am not a teenager anymore. Why am I eating like one?” I am so out of shape, my clothes don’t fit and what if something happens to me? Who would take care of my kids?” Suddenly, I realized all the food I was eating wasn’t making the craving I seem to have in my soul, go away and food no longer looked appetizing. At about this time, I had started a downward slide into depression, which I believe decreased my appetite as well. I don’t recommend depression as something to decrease your appetite, the side effects of depression are deadly and I dealt with that on its own. In the end I started eating less and better. I exercised and I lost weight.
There isn’t a magic pill that I have found. It took a whole lot of self-restraint, tracking what I ate and keeping to some sort of exercise routine. But here I am 9 months later, a size 6 and 65 pounds lighter. I met with a trainer in Saturday and in order to be considered in Excellent condition for my age, I still need to lose 6% of my body fat. I have to work with weights and build muscle. It is sad to think if I am only in the Fair category now, what was I 65 pounds ago?
My older body isn’t the same as my body I had in my 20’s, which is the last time I wore a 6. There are pieces of my body, where I just look and go WTF? This skin that hangs over bra under my arms, my tummy skin from my babies (I’ll deal with the extra skin, I had 3 healthy children, a more than fair trade, when you get right down to it) those pockets of squish on the outside and inside of my thighs and everything just generally sags, but it is better than it was, when I was heavier.
I get laughed at now, when I say I have more to lose, sometimes I get a lecture. I don’t know that I will ever be able to see myself as I really look now. I will probably always think I am bigger than I am and think of myself as fat. I am relying on my friends and family to be my mirror for me now.
I am just so very proud that I have started taking care of myself, something I so desperately neglected while I was married. Thanks to all of the people who helped me along the way, the encouragement, telling me I was gorgeous, all of it. I did this for myself, but I could not have done it without you.
Oh and for the record, I still hate pictures of me. Losing weight didn't fix this issue for me. I think this is one thing I will just have to learn to live with.
