Friday Morning Confessional

Confession, it’s good for the soul. Try it sometime….

I suppose if I want all of you to not think I am a sexually obsessed perv, I could stop writing about sex… but it has seemed to occupy some of my thoughts lately. That and the voices in my head, I cannot seem to make them go away. So, once again, sex is the topic of the day. My confession for this Friday is this….the current trend in the porn industry sucks, er, bites! Therefore, it has become my dream job to become the best female producer of porn there ever was.

Hear me out on this one. Once I was connected to the Internet, I did what apparently 83.245% of all other Americans (and 100% of all teenage males) do and headed straight to the porn sites. I was not going to be left out in the cold, while everyone else was warming up to Internet porn. It’s easy, it’s convenient and it is anonymous (mostly – right up you have to call your credit card provider and swear that you never authorized charges for those depraved sites). This fetish thing lasted one complete day. Then, sick to my stomach from seeing sites that offered barely legal girls, women being spit on and gagging on sausages so enormous, horses would turn green with envy, I gave up my brief career as Internet porn surfer extraordinaire. Oh, did I mention my hubs was standing behind me the whole time?

I also snuck in a porn movie on a business trip a couple of years ago – and, no, I did not expense it to the company. Mostly, because you have to submit a receipt to get reimbursed and how would I explain a movie entitled, ‘Big Hooters, Big Shooters’ to my boss? I thought, WTF, I am an adult now. It was boring, I mean boring in the way a Harlequin romances can put you to sleep. It should have had all the elements of a good, sleazy time, but it just didn’t cut it. Again, it was male focused and I could literally see the women trying not to cry as they pretended to get it on – only a woman would wonder if the woman in the show was having a good time.

Then, I realized this is the video interpretation of what the industry thinks men (most likely teenage men) want. So, if they are going to watch this stuff, why not make it somewhat caring and not hurtful (I realize I am speaking about the equivalent of turning Sadaam into a good guy), but why does it have to be so damn crappy and degrading? A man does not need the degrading part to be stimulated…really, all they need is something that vaguely reminds them of female bosoms and they are good to go (a flat wall, a telephone, a hammer, buttons on the radio….).

If porn’s gotta be there, I thought, then, it’s up to me to fix it. Yep, I would put women in that are over that age of 30, with a guy who looks normal (anatomically speaking) and show some damn foreplay! You could even watch it with your spouse. Maybe, I will call it an instructional video and get a grant from the government to produce it. It might be the end of the video porn industry, but if that’s what it takes, sign me up.

I guess I am just longing for the good old days when all we had was pictures – they, at least, encouraged creativity.

Drink of the day:

Kandy Kane

3/4 oz. Rumple Minze
1/4 oz. Creme de Noyaux

PREPARATION:
Layer parts in order given into a pony or shot glass