Thursday, November 01, 2007
Two'fer Special
That's it, I've had it!
I am sick and tired of my boobs (breasts, tits, ta-ta's, rack, fun bags, mammary glands, rack...etc.)!
I cannot buy a button blouse to save my life. (Seriously, who the hell designs clothes for women? They fit right up to the boobs and then the buttons pop open wider than the grand canyon, with a slightly less dramatic view.)
My breasts are currently underperforming and the last time someone spent anytime playing with them, well, the first Bush was in office.
So, have I got a deal for you....I want to rent them out. I will rent them to guys for $10/day. With deep discounts for longer rental periods. For any women, it would be $1 for the first day and $5 per day, every day after- since you need to experience the trouble they are first hand, before you commit. Perhaps, in time, I could earn enough to get them renovated...you know move up from the basement, back to the penthouse!
Serious inquiries only, email me if you are interested, I will send you a photo of them, in all their saggy, stretched marked glory....fyi, nursing ends the days of perky tits and nice nipples! Uh, on second thought, I will send you the photos of an attractive 27 year old's breasts...I am looking to turn a profit here folks.
Terms and Conditions
*No piercing or biting.
*They must be returned in the same condition they were rented to you in.
*They cannot be used to fill gaps in your weather stripping.
*They cannot be used as a replacement for your breasts during a mammogram (never had one myself, but I have heard the stories).
*Do not throw them over your shoulders and use them as a backpack.
*Do not use them as slingshots.
*Any injuries incurred while wearing my breasts jogging, horseback riding or jumping, are not the fault of the owner and all resulting medical bills are the sole responsibility of the renting party.
* Any negative effects to your golfing average are your own damn fault. Golfing is not meant for women and don't tell me you would not rather be getting a pedicure, in stead of trying to pick up or impress a sugar daddy - ahem, not that, uh, I would know this first hand or anything, I'm just sayin'.
* No nursing, I am done with lactating and while I recommend it for anyone, that ship has sailed for me!
*Yes, they probably can be used as a flotation device.
