Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Til Death Do Us Part
I am interupting the 'Internet Love Song' second post, because I am not feeling the second part right now. As noted by the angry mob (kidding, I love that someone reads this stuff and cares if I post. Thank you, love you right back), I have not blogged for awhile. I, Twitter, as Daisy Head noted, I seem to have given up blogging for Twitter. Which is kinda true, but I also got hooked on commenting on our local newspaper site. I think I am sorta over that, I think. I am sorry for the neglect.In part, I did not write, because I was stressed out. Really, stressed and in a bit of a bad place for a couple of weeks. I usually reread some of my old posts and laugh or think, “well, that was stupid”, but I have to admit the posts where I am honest about being depressed or stressed or anything "deep" embarass me. Since that is the path my thoughts have been wandering along lately, I have not posted.
FAIR WARNING: Here comes another post I will be embarassed about. I deeply hate self-pity, but I admit it happens to everyone. I have had the usual amount of self-pity over the last few weeks. Nothing particularly major, the usual, kids, money, job, messy house, the gawd awful, frackin, heat and some of our fish dying. Oh, and my divorce is final. I was 50% relieved this finally happened, 30% sad that I have hurt my kids so very badly and 15% sad over the loss of my dreams (the rest of it has to do with missing sex, but I won't go there today). Yes, the dreams-you know the idea that this wasn't your fairytale and not your perfect mate (or worse yet, he was and I still couldn't make it work out, son of a bitch, this had better not be the case). It was the dream that died, the real relationship was taken off of life support three years ago. It still sucks. I hate the unknown. I wouldn't mind having a relationship, but I don't think I ever want to live with another man again (slight controFREAK tendancies). I do not have time for dating, really, this isn't an excuse, I don't have the time. It makes me sad, too, but so does the idea of weeding through a bunch of pervy douchebags, just in the hopes of finding someone, is daunting.
So, this all hit me at once and I have thought and thought about it. I digest it and I make it as right as I can in my life, but it was still rough.
What I have to say is that, it occurred to me that if I were not here, people would miss me.
I really have friends, who I love and who love me (or lie, convincingly, same thing). I picked up my voicemail tonight and there was my BFF, singing ‘Fake It’ by Seether. Who can ask more that this from a BFF? Especially, since I got so self-absorbed I called her on her birthday to vent and forgot it was her birthday, until the next day.
I have my family, who would miss me and I think, not just because they are obligated, we really love one another.
Finally and most impotantly I have kids. I signed up to do a job and by GOD, I am going to finish it, because I am the most qualified to do that job, do you know why? Because I love them the most. Period, end of discussion. No one else in this universe will love and protect them they way I will. So, yeah, I get mad at them and yeah, I get tired of being barraged with requests and the house always being messy and maybe I don’t have the money to take them on a real vacation, oh well, I am not perfect, but I do my best. I think, in the end, they will recognize that and forgive all the lectures and time outs and more lectures and the deep sighs. I have faith.
It was my littlest son who made me really snap out of this slump. The night before he went to see his dad for two weeks, he rubbed my arm and said, "Mommy, please, do your best not to die."
I gave him my word and I will keep it. A promise is a promise.
